May 3rd, 2012. It's been just over 7 months. I think I'm finally starting to breathe again.
I'm not healing. I don't think I'll ever heal. It's not a scratch on a knee....no band-aid will help. It's a scar on my heart that will always be there. Sometimes it will be less visible than others, sometimes it will bring back vivid memories. But it's a good scar. A scar of good times and bad times, laughter, tears, music, stupid movie quotes, 3 am television, long talks in the garage and softball. It's a scar that I will carry with me always; some will know, others never will.
I miss Dan so deeply, yet amidst the still often teary nights, I think I'm starting to breathe again. I'm functioning just a little bit more every day. Finding things to laugh at. Enjoying my girls. Venturing out with people again. Everyone has their own healing process. Sometimes I feel like maybe I shouldn't be smiling, or laughing, or functioning as well as I am, but my girls need their mother. A friend of mine told me not to feel bad. I still have to function and be a parent, an employee, a friend. She's right. I still have things to do, to tend to. My life didn't end. My heart shattered and might not recover, but I'm still alive and I have people that depend on me.
So, Amy, cry at night if you feel like it. Cry every night if it makes you feel better. But when you get up in the morning, put on your happy face, take care of your beautiful girls and battle the day. You are strong and independent. You have wonderful friends and family.
You got this.
